


Big Guns

by SunnyD_lite



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Established Relationship, M/M, amtdi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-11-17
Updated: 2007-11-17
Packaged: 2017-10-07 15:38:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/66554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SunnyD_lite/pseuds/SunnyD_lite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes you've got to tweak fanfic. A twist on Alien rituals and some Ronon Fanon.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Big Guns

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Don't own any of them. For fun not profit!  
> Warning: Set in Season Three but no spoilers. Discussion of Alien Rituals and sexual situations  
> A/N: Inspired by a comment by **yin_again** at end and beta'd by **spiralleds** written for **tamingthemuse**'s prompt Confrontational. Feedback most welcomed

A fly was buzzing around his head in a very distracting way. Rodney considered raising a hand to shoo at it, but determined it wouldn't be worth it.

"Pestilence! Standing in the hot sun is not good for any of us, Colonel. And that fly is bigger than a July horsefly. They don't bite as much as extract a pound of flesh. Is there a reason we're not leaving?"

He turned from staring at the two story stone temple to look longingly at the Stargate. Another day of tramping around a backwater world with no interesting power signatures, even if they did have a vegetable that was fairly close to yams. And they made yam-chips out of them that tasted similar to Doritos; a feat considering they didn't have all the artificial chemicals.

It was then that Teyla came back from her discussions with the head priestess, looking a little concerned. A look that Rodney translated as Defcon Two in Teyla speak.

"I apologize, Colonel. When I was last here they did not require that the P'teque ceremony be preformed." Here, in an unusual move for Teyla, her head dropped forward allowing her hair to obscure her face.

"I have expressed our concerns that our culture does not required or even accept the need for.. ."

Rodney could see that the usually direct Teyla was going to be circling the topic for minutes. Mindful of his rumbling stomach, he interrupted her. "What? Kill an animal. Drink sacred corn syrup? Dress in ceremonial feathers? What is the 'cultural imperative' for this week? And why are there no worlds that require a hearty hand shake and sharing a beer?" No one would notice that he squeezed his weapon nervously. A concerned Teyla was not to be underestimated.

"Rodney," Sheppard drawled in a patronizing way, "calm down. It can't be that bad."

Not underestimated except by Colonel Courageous, also known as Colonel Stupid. If Sheppard didn't get by now that a worried Teyla was a bad sign, the team was doomed.

Teyla straightened her neck from where she'd ducked her head. She looked directly at Sheppard and said, "It is not, or rather is not for the Athosians. I have, however, observed that your people place a high value on discretion when it comes to sexual matters."

He couldn't help himself, he snorted. "Great. And the Captain Kirk mojo strikes again. So, Sheppard needs to 'share' himself with yet another priestess?" There wasn't bitterness in that comment. It was unvarnished truth even if it stuck in his throat like a splintering piece of ply-wood. He'd known there would be days like this. It was Pegasus. And Sheppard.

"I wish it were only that." Teyla sighed. "The P'teque ceremony is a blessing for a fruitful venture. It is held in front of the temple so that all may see the trust between their peoples. As my people had traded with them before, it was never necessary."

"And why am I getting the feeling that there are some details missing in that description?"

Rodney watched as Sheppard accented that comment with his patented raised eyebrow. He might not be a genius, but Rodney would never think of him as dumb. Might call him a moron, but that was different.

"As you are men, one or two of the adepts of the temple will place hands on you to ensure that a sacrifice of your seed is made. It must be witnessed by all." And Rodney hadn't known that Teyla COULD blush.

"It doesn't sound that confrontational, I mean it's not even a pissing match as--."

"As there'll only be one dick flapping in the breeze being man -oh I'm sorry - woman handled? And yet another ad for off world travel: see new places, be seen in new ways, and the natives are handsy."

"McKay! Handsy? That's the best you can come up with?"

"Hello GENIUS, not like I've wasted course time with such fripperies as marketing." He forced his hand to relax. No use accidentially wasting ammo, and he'd never live down the teasing. Just the though of Sheppard in those circumstances…

"I'll do it."

The three of them turned to where Ronon was leaning against what looked like a picnic table. H'uh. Full sentence, he must be serious.

"You know you don't have to, right? As team leader--"

Stopping that line of logic as quickly as possible, Rodney piped up, "Oh, like you could force something like that. Plus you didn't order him so I don't see a problem." Rodney wondered if he could arrange some more of those almost ribs to make it Ronon's way. The guy liked his food and if he saved Sheppard from this… Well, it wasn't like Rodney could say thank you.

"Hate to say it, but McKay's right," said Ronon. "Plus, I saw some of the adepts."

He could have lived a very full life without seeing that particular anticipatory leer of Dex's. But Rodney had learned to prioritize, and he'd just realized that this meant he'd soon see much more of Ronon than he'd ever wanted to. Team was one thing, but this?

"Rodney!"

Sheppard's sharp call brought his mind back to the present. And he'd have to call him on that; he wasn't the priority in this discussion. Shaking his head, he realized that the others had been discussing the details. A stray thought burst out of his mouth without passing Go. "Wait, what if he scares them?"

"Ronon is going to play nice. Again non-confrontational quick little ceremony then back in time for dinner. I think the mess is serving meatloaf." The colonel's blend of exasperation and exhaustion convinced Rodney to shut up. Ronon had volunteered and really who was he to deny the man-mountain a rushed hand-job if he wanted one?

In the end it was as anti-climatic as any ceremony that didn't conclude with them running for their lives. Well, anti-climatic for all but Ronon. He'd been right about the adepts, but, despite trying to avoid noticing the intimate details, Rodney had glimpsed his full bounty. And how had cheesy harlequin language gotten stuck in his brain? He blamed Jeanie's bodice-rippers for that. Anyway, in no way was it going to scare the natives, not that he'd risk his life to mention it to anyone.

Anyone but Sheppard much, much later: No wonder he likes the big guns.

**Author's Note:**

> A/N 2: **yin_again** was commenting on the tropes of fanfic in SGA and said:  
> _ I think there should be fic where Ronon has a small (or average) cock. He's always portrayed as packing something akin to those rolls of cookie dough that you buy in the refrigerated section of the grocery store. So what if it wasn't the Anaconda of Love? _  
> My muse LIKED that and here's the result.


End file.
